014: Compassion: Kindness With Action

In a past newsletter, I mentioned that I am the mom of three teenage boys. 

My oldest son turned 20 in October of 2021. He is a sophomore in college now - a deeply thoughtful man who takes his time to process factors before making decisions. He loves to read, ponder and converse about human interaction, and construct mechanical and electrical systems of cars. 

I look at him now, and I beam with pride for his caring and compassionate nature. But, this wasn't always the case. I remember hearing parents talk about the terrible twos - a year of strife when the child is testing boundaries and seeking independence. Ethan experienced the terrible twos, the temper tantrum threes, and the formidable fours. I was either laughing at his joyous creativity (10% of the time) or sobbing up against the bedroom door while he screamed on the other side (90% of the time).

At 27 years old with two young children, I felt like a failure at parenting. Nothing I did seemed to calm him down when he was in a mood. Then, a friend recommended Raising Your Spirited Child: A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka - and it changed my approach to parenting. I learned to cut the tags out of his shirts and give him 15, 10, and 5-minute notice before switching activities. Most importantly, instead of reasoning with him, I started to hold him close and practiced breathing with him while he was having a meltdown. 

A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child. Being WITH him during and IN his time of emotional frustration and release - EMPATHY - was exactly what he needed. 

When Ethan was 16 years old, he was a "counselor" for a local, week-long, overnight camping experience for deserving kids in our county. The camp focused on traditional camping experiences like arts and crafts, nature walks, canoeing, creek investigation, and sports. It was also rooted in fostering social emotional learning throughout all activities. One evening, Ethan called me to say that a 10-year old camper shared with him that his father had been taken to jail that afternoon. The boy would not get to see his dad when he returned home at the end of the week. I asked Ethan how he responded to the child. He replied, "I didn't know what to say because I never had something like that happen to me." The boy asked to leave the dining hall and go to the dock near the creek. Ethan asked if he could join the boy, and he said, "Yes." 

Compassion is defined as “kindness with action” - feeling WITH someone and acting to support or help them.

The two boys sat together on the edge of the dock in silence until the camper felt ready to return to the group. Sitting WITH the young boy was an act of compassion. No words were needed.

I can’t say that my parenting actions through Ethan’s years were related to his response to the camper 12 years later. I do believe that when we see empathy and compassion expressed, we should recognize it, call attention to it, and honor it.

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