032: That Wasn’t Very SEL of Me

By May 2019, my husband and I had saved enough money to take our three boys to Italy to visit his sister and extended family. His parents were born and raised in small towns just south of Rome and still had property there. 

My boys had never been to Europe, so we wanted to make this trip memorable. We asked each kiddo where they wanted to go most in Italy. The two younger boys immediately said Florence and Pisa, while my oldest son said Venice. (These are all excellent choices, by the way!)

If you are unfamiliar with Italy, Florence and Pisa are on the west coast, while Venice is located WAY over on the east coast. Despite the long distance between destinations, we were determined to make this happen for them. So, to break up the trip, we decided to go to Cinque Terra and Moderna (to see the Ferrari museum) along the way between Pisa and Venice.

After spending a few days visiting with Carlo’s sister’s family in Rome, we rose around 4 AM, and the five of us got into a car that some would consider small-ish in the United States. We drove three and a half hours north to Florence, went down some streets where we probably shouldn’t have to find parking and spent a few hours looking at the sites, stores, and architecture. 

We returned to the car, crammed in, and drove another 90 minutes to Pisa. The two younger boys were thrilled to take pictures that looked like they were holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa! There wasn’t much else to do outside of that town square.

(Pre-Meltdown Picture: notice the overcast sky as it has been gently raining off and on all day.)

 Suddenly, our oldest (who was 18 at the time) started complaining, “I don’t want to stay here anymore.” 

“I am tired.” 

“I am hungry.” and 

“When are we leaving?”

I was tired and hungry, too.

And I lost it on him.

“This is NOT the Ethan vacation! Your brothers wanted to come here specifically. In two days, we are going to where YOU wanted to go, five hours away! Until then, suck it up!”

As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to take them back. In my head, I berated myself with, “That wasn’t very SEL of you!”

When speaking to educators, I remind them that all behavior is a form of communication and that we need to model SEL skills for our students. 

And I didn’t practice what I preach. 

I also remind people that we are all human. And that we make mistakes.
What is important is what we do AFTER we make a mistake.

So, I asked Carlo to take the other two boys to one of the cathedrals for a little bit.

I sat down with Ethan and apologized for snapping at him, sharing that I, too, was tired and hungry and was OVER the car rides already (three teen boys in the back of a small car with food, music, and legs stretched out, so feet came through to the front of the vehicle…)

In return, he apologized for complaining the way he did, which dampened Jared and Julian’s experience. He told me his knee had been bothering him all day - the cramped car ride, the walking among the cities. See, the year before, he tore his ACL and damaged his meniscus badly, needing surgery. I’ve been told that when the weather is rainy and overcast, it can trigger discomfort in areas where people have needed surgery.

Ethan and I made a deal for the rest of the trip. When he needed a break from walking, he’d let me know, and we’d stop and sit, taking in the sites or enjoying a cup of espresso. Carlo, Jared, and Julian would go on, and we’d catch up. 

This conversation between Ethan and me made all the difference.

We took ownership of our emotions and actions, dug in, and uncovered what was really happening. 
Our communication improved, AND we had one-on-one time throughout the trip to make long-lasting memories.

This experience served as a stark reminder that integrating SEL into our lives is a continual process filled with learning and growth. It's about more than just teaching—it's about embodying the principles of SEL in every interaction. Even when we stumble, these moments are opportunities to model resilience and emotional regulation.

Here’s how we can turn such challenges into lessons:

• Acknowledge and Apologize - Recognize the slip, and apologize sincerely. This shows accountability.
• Reflect and Share - Take the time to reflect on the trigger and share this process openly, turning it into a learning moment for all involved.
• Commit to Growth - Use these insights to inform future responses, demonstrating commitment to personal and relational growth. 

As we continue to navigate our SEL journeys, let's embrace our imperfections and learn from each experience. They aren’t just mistakes; they're stepping stones to deeper understanding and better practice.

(Post-Meltdown Picture: A few days later, Ethan and I enjoying our time in Cinque Terra.)